


In All My Dreams I Drown

by Wolves_of_Innistrad



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Future, Amnesia, Angst, Dad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Gen, London, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Original Character(s), POV Christopher Diaz, Pre-Slash, Reunions, Temporary Character Death, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 18:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21306623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolves_of_Innistrad/pseuds/Wolves_of_Innistrad
Summary: On October 14th 2020, Evan Buckley wins a trip to Ireland.On November 1st 2020, Evan Buckley leaves for his trip, promising his friends and family to come back with lots of photos and souvenirs.On November 12th 2020, the plane carrying one Evan Buckley home from Ireland goes down in a freak accident off the coast of England, no one knows what happened, only that there are no survivors.On August 27th 2030, Christopher Diaz’s connecting flight from England to Paris is delayed.  When he sees a firetruck he follows it for old time's sake through the streets of London and sees a man that looks strikingly familiar coming out of a burning building.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 78
Kudos: 207





	In All My Dreams I Drown

On October 14th 2020 Evan Buckley wins a trip to Ireland.

On November 1st Evan Buckley leaves for his trip, promising his friends and family to come back with lots of photos and souvenirs.

On November 12th the plane carrying one Evan Buckley home from Ireland goes down in a freak accident, no one knows what happened, only that there are no survivors.

Bobby is the first one that sees it, on the news that night, calling Maddie and Howard, then the rest of the firehouse.

Maddie is inconsolable, the firehouse has to call in extra help from other stations because the emotional toll is so strong hardly anyone can work for days.

It feels like Eddie cries nonstop for days afterwards, he tries to be strong for Christopher who’s taking Buck’s death even worse, but he just can’t and he doesn’t understand why.

On December 1st The memorial for Evan Buckley draws firefighters and citizens from all over the city. In the front row are Maddie Buckley, Howard Han, Edmundo Diaz, Christopher Diaz and Bobby Nash.

“Why do they always leave me?” Eddie whispers to no one, eyes downcast to hide some of his tears as he stares at the empty casket they’re burying. His chest feels like another gaping wound has been ripped open, or maybe like one already there just grew two sizes.

On March 18th 2021 Eddie Diaz has a breakthrough in therapy, realizing for the first time that one of the reasons he took Buck’s death so hard was that some part of him he hadn’t even realized or been able to accept at the time, had been falling in love with him.

On February 23rd 2022 Maddie and Howard Han’s first child, Buckley Han is born.

On April 19th 2025 Eddie Diaz retires from being a firefighter after a string of injuries on the job causes him to fear for his future and his son’s, not wanting to leave him all alone.

On May 30th 2029 Christopher Diaz graduates from High School. He’s been accepted into a few colleges and universities, but decides on one closer to home so that he can experience life on his own while still not being too far away from his father and support network.

* * *

On January 13th 2030 Christopher Diaz finally convinces his father to let him study abroad the next semester.

“Dad. I’m an adult now I have to l-live my life,” Christopher says, rehashing an argument that’s become increasingly more common as Christopher has reached maturity.

“But it’s overseas Chris! What if you need me, what if something happens?” Eddie is a bundle of nerves, Christopher has never been this far from home, especially not alone. It’s been long enough that Buck dying a few countries over in Europe doesn’t ring in his mind until later that night. Instead he remembers Chris’ first sleepover, remembers all the times Christopher has shown he wasn’t going to be kept down by his CP and would live just as active and fulfilled a life as everyone else.

Christopher smiles, walking over, still somewhat halting but helped by new stabilizing crutches with built in sensors and stabilizers. “I’m going to be okay d-dad, I’m brave you j-just have to be too. Okay?”

Eddie laughs, hugging his son, seeing how much he’s grown in these last years. “Why’d I have to go and make you so courageous?

“Because I’m the son of the bravest man I know.” Christopher hugs his dad as tight as he can, smiling and moving back to stand as tall as he physically can.

“Ok… Okay, go to Paris, but you be safe. And I’m going to be having a bunch of discussions with the housing department and the school and-”

“I got it. We can do it t-together. Promise.”

* * *

On August 27th 2030 Christopher Diaz’s connecting flight from England to Paris is delayed.

“it’s fine Dad. It’s just, just one night,” he says haltingly. He’s a bit nervous, this not being the carefully planned trip he and his father had agreed on.

“Should I fly over there? I have the money I can-”

“Dad, calmate,” Christopher says, his accent terrible despite all the times Eddie tried to teach him Spanish he was never too great at it. Not because of the CP exactly, he was just terrible with languages. Yet another reason Eddie was hesitant for his son to go to Paris of all places for a semester abroad.

Over the phone a loud, deep breath can be heard before Eddie sighs. “Ok, I’m calming down. Sorry kid just, I love you and I worry. Please be safe, you’ve got money for a hotel si?”

“Yeah, Igotmoney,” he slurs, words coming a bit harder as he loses focus, hearing the sound of a firetruck in the distance. “I got to go, I’ll talk to you later d-dad.”

“Okay, just call me when you’ve got to your room. Love you Christopher.”

“Love you too dad.”

The truck is like a siren’s call after practically growing up in a fire station. He sees the towering plumes of smoke rising above the city and makes his way through the busy streets, following it as best he can, not sure why he is so interested besides his past connections. Something familiar in a see of new is like a lifeline.

By the time Christopher makes it there the fire is mostly out and he sees the firefighters streaming back from the place, some taking off their helmets and wiping away soot, others goofing off or folding up the hoses.

One man in particular catches Chris’ eyes and he blinks, fearful his eyes are playing tricks on him. As he focuses harder, wiping off his glasses and staring across the police line he sees him again, and though he’s got a bit of soot on him, and a scar down one side of his face and a few age lines, there’s no mistaking that man.

Chris remembers every hug, every time he woke up screaming, crying for Buck to save him, for Buck to come home again even though he knew he couldn’t.

“Buck… Buck!”

He tries to get closer, shouting for Buck, but the man doesn’t see or hear him. A police officer comes over and puts a hand up telling him to back down.

“But, I n-need to, that’s, Buck, I...” Christopher is excited and nervous and he can’t get his words to come out right and he hates it. Hates it even more when the man gives him a condescending smile.

“Need me to help find your, uh, parents kid?”

“I’m not a baby!” he manages to get out, flustered and angry, the words less yelled like he wants and more a dark muttering but it gets the guy to back off regardless.

Instead of trying to yell for Buck he looks over the fire engine, memorizing the numbers and detail as best he can before heading for a nearby cafe. One scone and ten minutes of internet searching on his phone later and Christopher has found the location of the fire department. there’s no way to know when the guy will be off, but he decides he has to take a chance, if that really is Buck, some how, he has to know.

They all deserve to know.

He gets a cab there, choosing not to say anything to his dad or anyone until he gets there and sees for certain if it’s just someone that resembles Buck. But part of his mind says that his father had once clung to the hope that they’d never technically been able to identify Buck’s body, but even he and Maddie had eventually had to admit that Buck wasn't coming home.

Maybe Buck was just lost.

When he arrives at the fire station he has to look around for a minute before he gets someone's attention.

“Can I see Buck? Is he here?”

The man looks at him with his crutches and backpack and probably thinks he’s a kid too, but Christopher doesn’t really care at this point.

“We don’t have no one by the name of Buck here kid.”

Chris bites his lip, struggling for how to make the man understand. “I…” He pauses, collecting his thoughts before describing Buck in the best words he can muster, hoping it’s enough.

The man thinks for a moment before realization dawns on his face. “Oliver? Is that who you’re looking for? He save you?”

He’s not looking for any Oliver, but Christopher just nods, “Yeah, you could say th-that.”

“Figured, sounds like who you’re looking for, guy’s a bloody hero. Swear he’s a nutter with the danger he puts himself in to save someone. I’ll get him so you can say thanks.”

The man leaves and Chris feels the nerves building up, he doesn’t want to get himself too psyched up, especially because he knows the idea that Buck has been alive all this time makes very little sense. His fingers shake more than they have in years and he grips his crutches tighter, palms sweaty as he waits.

“Hey, someone said you were looking for me?” comes a familiar voice and Christopher looks up into the eyes of a man he’d thought dead for so many years. That he’d cried over and missed so long.

“Buck?”

The man gives him a look as he jogs over, stopping in front of him and looking him over.

“Buck? No, my name’s Oliver. Benny said you were someone I saved and you wanted to thank me? That right?”

Christopher can’t believe it as he keeps staring at him, transfixed. It’s him, it’s really him. He looks older, and there’s a new scar that he can see looks old, but still very visible running from his nose down his cheek and jaw, but the mark above his eye, that same warm smile and kind eyes he remembered from his childhood were there.

“Buck, it’s you!” He nearly collapses in Buck’s arms, hugging him as tight as his body will allow and openly crying now, head pillowed on the man’s chest.

“I… Um, what?” the man says, confused as he gently pats the kid’s back, taring back at Benny who seems to b just as confused as him and starts over, trying to separate them.

“Ok, that’s enough, Oliver’s a busy man, we got a lot of fires to put out kid. Run along now.”

“But Buck, it’s me...”

“I said bugger off kid!”

Christopher looks hurt and Buck, Oliver, slaps the other man in the arm.

“Don’t be so rude to him man.”

“Come on, let’s get you going kid,” the other man says, ignoring BuckOliver and Chris. He tries to lead Chris away, which isn’t easy when Chris is on crutches and can’t be dragged, but the guy is trying to do it anyway.

“Buck, Buck don’t you remember me!?”

And that’s when Oliver yells “Stop!”

Both men stop in their tracks, Christopher struggling to get turned back around as Oliver slowly walks towards them.

“Remember you from when?

“Buck I-”

Oliver grips him around the arms a bit harder than he means to. “Where do you remember me from? When?”

“When… When I was a k-kid. You were m-my B-Buck,” Christopher stutters, the emotions making it hard to focus on speaking clearly.

“What’s this kid talking about Oliver?”

“Shut up! What did you say your name is?” Oliver looks back at him, trying to lessen his grip a bit but suddenly his chest feels tight.

“Christopher. Christopher Diaz. And you’re B-Buck, Evan Buck Buc-Buckley,” Christopher finally manages to eke out.

“When did you last see me Christopher?” His eyes are wild now, scared and panicked as he stares into the young man’s face.

“When, when your pl-plane crashed. Or, or before, when you left for vacation. You, you, you went to Ireland and never came back. You promised you’d come b-back.”

Oliver swallows hard, let’s go of Christopher’s arm and grabs Benny’s hard, needing something to steady him and keep him from falling over.

“When was this. When was it Christopher?”

“Almost 11 years ago.”

A gasp breaks the tension and Buck let’s go of Christopher and stumbles backwards, face a mask of haunted realization.

“That was when they found me… 11 years ago I...” He turns to Benny. “I had amnesia, they never could figure out where I was from, and my memories never came back, not enough to identify me but...” His eyes slide back to Christopher. “Do you have any proof you know me?”

Christopher fumbles with his phone, trying to unlock it and scrolling through things.

“I haven’t used it in a long time but I think, I think...” He keeps going, before finally finding what he’s searching for. It’s Buck’s Facebook page, or more accurately the memorial page it was turned into when he died. With a shaky hand he holds it out, the last post is from his dad, a photo of Eddie and Christopher at his graduation and then one of them and Buck together when he was a kid.

The caption says “I wish you were here to see how much Christopher has grown. You’d be so proud Buck. We miss you every day.”

Oliver takes it, stares at the picture, sees his face, but younger, less blemished by age and injury staring back at him. And then his eyes scan towards the little boy and he feels his heart nearly beat out of his chest.

“It’s you!” He says, voice shaking as he stares at the young man before him and then back at the child in the photo, seeing the resemblance now, where age has changed him but still the same person. “You’re the boy in my dreams. In all my dreams I drown, always screaming, searching for a little boy with glasses, but I can never say his name before my lungs fill with water and I...”

Buck sits on the ground, trying to catch his breath.

“Are you my son?” he asks, fearful and so heartbroken as he stares up at Christopher.

“N-no, not really,” Christopher finally says, and he’s crying too, because he knows without a shadow of a doubt this is his Buck, amnesia or not, it’s him.

He’s alive.

“But you, you took care of me like I was. You, you saved me. The d-dream, it’s not a dream. A m-, a m-mmm-memory.”

“Memory?”

“The tsunami. We almost drowned. You s-saved me Buck.”

“Tsunami… Where were we?”

“Santa Monica Pier.” Christopher hasn’t thought about that day in years, finally over the nightmares and terrifying memories of it. He explains a bit and Buck sits there, staring up at him in rapt attention.

“Can you, can you give me a minute?” He tells Benny who’s been standing there watching all of this go down in immense confusion. “Tell the captain I need a bit I might, I might have to go home early.”

He turns back to Christopher. “I… I had no idea, they said I’d never get any memories back and all this time, that nightmare has been a memory, or part of one?”

Christopher nods.

“Can I, can I give you a hug?”

“Please,” Christopher says, crying as Buck gingerly hugs him, and then they’re both crying.

* * *

Eventually Buck leaves work and takes them to a park so they can talk some more.

“So everyone who knows me thinks I’m dead, have been dead for 11 years?”

Christopher hesitates before nodding. “I’m sorry, we didn’t want to but the plane, it, it crashed and there were n-no survivors.”

“And what about my daughter?”

“Daughter?”

“Yes, Maddie? Madeline? My daughter?”

“Maddie? Your sister?”

Buck’s breath catches again. “She, she’s my sister? Not my daughter?” His world feels like its crumbling.

“Yes, she’s missed you too.”

And that throws Buck for a loop. “Wait, what? But, Maddie is here.”

Christopher makes a noise of confusion before looking at Buck. “No, I just saw her and Uncle Howie, before I lef- left.”

“Howie?”

“Her husband...”

“But she’s only 12?!”

“Who are you talking about Buck?”

“My daughter, Maddie, they found her with me. She, she’s all I had, have.”

Christopher doesn’t know how to respond to that, it doesn’t make sense, but nothing about any of this makes sense. All he knows is this is Buck, it’s their Buck and he has to let everyone know.

“I don’t know any, any daughter. But I knew you’d be a good dad.”

That at least makes Buck smile, even if he doesn’t understand why this person from his past wouldn’t have known his daughter. He doesn’t want to think about what it could mean that Christopher doesn’t remember him having a daughter, it’s too awful to bare.

They talk for a while longer before Christopher says the thing he’s practically been vibrating with tension to ask.

“Buck?”

It takes a minute for the man to answer, still not used to the name, his name apparently.

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell, tell them? That you’re alive?”

Buck tenses, looking away, warring emotions roiling. For so many years he wanted this, someone to come and save him, to jump start his memory or even just tell him who he was, that he was wanted, missed, needed. Now he’d built a life on his own, with his daughter, for his daughter, moving on as best he could in a world that felt entirely foreign. And now he knew why it felt so foreign. Being a firefighter had been the only thing that ever felt right, felt normal, and now he understood why that came so easy as well.

Here was a chance to reconnect, to find the family he’d lost, that thought they’d lost him.

“Will they still want me? I’ve been gone so long now...”

Christopher looks at him, laying his hand over Buck’s on the bench. “Of course, they love you. More, more than anything.”

“Then, then I guess. Okay.”

“I can video call. Who first?”

Buck shrugs. “I don’t know, who, who needs to know first?”

“Maddie, your sister,” he says, adding the second part to differentiate from the Maddie that Buck seemed to be talking about earlier. “Then my dad.”

“Your dad?”

“Your best friend.” Christopher doesn’t mention that Eddie has told him since then that he was in love with Buck, that had things been different one day he might have tried to live a life with Buck, instead of continuing to be alone as he has.

“Ok then.”

“Stay, stay over there,” Christopher says, trying to move a bit further down on the bench. “I need to warn her first before she sees you.”

He dials the phone, a video call to Maddie and Howie. He prays that Maddie isn’t at work or asleep right now, he hasn’t mastered the time conversion yet. Especially since he hadn’t planned on being in London at all anyway.

Howie answers and Chris nearly groans, but keeps quiet as he tells him he needs to speak with Maddie, urgently.

“Something wrong Chris? Looks like you’ve been crying?”

“I need to speak with Aunt Maddie!” he almost yells, uncharacteristic for him. Howie thankfully relents, going to get her and in a moment she enters view.

“Christopher? Is everything OK?”

“Aunt Maddie I, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“What is it? Your dad called, said you were stuck in England.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk about.”

“Do you need something? It’s okay if you don’t want your dad to know you’re nervous, I won’t tell him.”

“No!” Chris huffs, looking towards Buck who’s sitting there staring at him, listening intently to the woman’s voice. “No it’s not that. It’s, Maddie I need you to sit. Sit down.”

“Christopher you’re scaring me.”

“Just Sit Aunt Maddie. P-p-p-please.”

“Okay, Christopher. I’m sitting down.”

“I don’t know how to say this but I… I found someone, here, in England.”

“You mean you met someone?”

Christopher shakes his head. “No, found. He was just, just lost. Not dead.”

Maddie blanches, face pained. “Christopher don’t joke like that.” He didn’t even have to say it and she already knew what he meant.

“Not a j-joke Maddie.”

“CHRISTOPHER DIAZ!” She’s shouting now. “You, you cannot do this. Stop, don’t try to make a joke like this it isn't funny!”

“Not a joke Aunt Maddie please!”

There’s muffles voices as they argue, Chris losing his words as Maddie gets more upset before he finally yells. “Look!”

He turns the phone, tilting it toward Buck who looks lost, staring at the woman on the screen.

There’s silence then “Evan...”

Then she’s screaming. “Evan! Evan you’re alive, ohmigod Evan we thought you were dead how, how is this possible!?”

Buck doesn’t know what to say or do, how to react. He can tell it’s genuine, more now than anything with the look of pain and relief and joy all mixed in her expression but he doesn't know how to respond. She’s just a woman on the phone to him, but she’s supposed to be his sister. The sister that suffered through his death and now he doesn’t even remember her.

He bolts up, walking away from the phone and hitting his hip with his fist, trying not to cry.

“Evan! Don’t leave please!” he can hear her but he can’t look back right now, his emotions are all over the place.

“I can’t, I’m sorry Christopher this was a bad idea I can’t do this right now...”

“Buck, it’s your sister.”

“I, I don’t remember her, I don’t know her I...”

“Evan, what, what do you mean?” Maddie is still crying, Howie must be back because she’s whispering something and then there’s screaming and more noises from the phone.

Chris takes the phone back and talks to Maddie. “He has amm, an, amnesia,” he says, watching as recognition dawns on her face, followed by sadness. Howie is in the back trying to get a look over the phone.

“He doesn’t know who we are...”

Christopher shakes his head.

“I’m sorry. I can’t, I tried everything but I never remembered anything except the drowning.” Buck sits back down, Chris tilting the phone so they’re both in frame. Howie sobs loudly when he finally gets a look at his formerly dead brother in law and friend.

“Mom, dad, what’s going on?” It’s faint but he hears it in the background.

“Just, just a minute Buck… Buckley...” Maddie’s voice catches on another startled sob.

Buck turns at his name, or what he’s been told is his name.

“That’s, she was talking to her son. Buckley, they named him after you, or your nickname.”

Buck smiles. “I have a nephew?”

Maddie and Howie both nod, unable to speak. Howie leaves for a moment to go check on Buckley and Maddie just stares at her brother.

“I can’t believe you’re alive. After all this time. Thank God. I missed you so much Evan.”

“I… Thanks?” Buck says, raising his shoulders in apology when Christopher gives him a strange look.

“We’ll be on the first flight out to London. I’m coming baby brother don’t worry.”

Buck recoils at that, this was already too much for him, the thought of a stranger that knows him more than he apparently knows himself feels unbearable.

“I, you don’t have to come now, do you?”

“It’s been ELEVEN years Evan. I want to see my baby brother. Even if he doesn’t remember me.”

“I’m sorry about that. I just-”

“Don’t be Evan. I’m just happy you’re alive. So happy, god, I don’t, there aren’t even words to describe this. It’s a miracle.”

“Ok.”

“Chris?”

Chris spins the phone back on him, hand hurting from holding it this long.

“Yeah?” He realizes he’s been crying again too during the whole interaction.

“Call your dad, right now. I’ll take care of the rest okay? Eddie needs to know, to see though.”

“Ok Maddie, I think Buck needs to go now.”

“Message me where you’re staying I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay?”

Chris nods.

“Thank you Christopher, thank you for finding Evan.”

“We love you Buck!” It’s Howie in the back now yelling, wiping away happy tears as he hugs Maddie tight.

“I love you Evan, we’ll be there soon okay?”

“Alright.” Buck doesn’t look happy about it, but he’s not going to ruin this happy moment for his sister, even if he doesn’t know her. He’s sure he must have loved her, they must be close for her to be this moved by seeing him again he thinks, and that at least makes his heart feel something besides confusion.

The call disconnects and Buck stands up, Chris reaching out a hand haltingly.

“Don’t leave, please.”

“Chris I can’t… This is too much, please.”

Chris can see the hurt, the pain and fear and confusion on Buck’s face and he doesn’t want to do anything to hurt him, but he also knows how his dad will feel if he doesn’t get to see him.

“Just one more, it’s my dad. He’s your best friend I...”

Swallowing the lump in his throat Buck takes Christopher’s phone. The number is already dialed, not that Buck can really see it with how his vision swims from tears still streaming down his face. An emotional roller coaster doesn’t seem to be enough to describe today, he settles for what Christopher had said earlier, a tsunami. That feels more apt, drowning in new faces and missing memories.

“I, I should talk first to let h-”

Before Christopher can finish his sentence Buck’s already dialed.

“I want this over with fast I need to get home to my daughter.”

Chris doesn’t say anything to that, not sure what to say as he hears the phone ring.

“Buddy, you finally at the hotel?” Eddie isn’t as stressed now, voice calmer and light.

“is this Eddie Diaz?”

There’s a loud crash on the other end of the line, Buck pulling the phone away from his ear for a moment before he hears cursing in what sounds like Spanish and then someone grabbing the phone again, as if it had fallen to the floor.

“Who… Who is this, where’s Christopher.”

“I’m fine dad!” Chris yells in the background.

It sets Eddie’s nerves somewhat more at ease, but that voice. That voice he knows it and he doesn’t understand how he just heard it again. It isn’t possible.

“Uh, I just met your son and I… Well I guess he says I’m Buck, or, uh, Evan Buckley. He said that I needed to call you so you knew I was alive.”

“Buck…?” Eddie’s voice is shaky, full of emotion. “Buck is that you?”

“Yeah it’s, it’s me I guess.”

“How?”

“There was-” and just at that moment the phone makes a noise and shuts down.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from American Murder Song.
> 
> Hopefully I actually can update this, but I might be slow. Anyway have some feels and angst. Also I'm doing my best with Christopher as a POV since idk too well how he talks, especially ten or 11 years in the future. Seems like he's got a bit of a stutter and mumbles a bit but if this felt like it was too strained or something let me know.
> 
> As always a big thank you to all my Wonderful Readers for all the comments, kudos and subs.


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